Shoe Shopping

Kids picking out shoes, Oh boy.

My god, I'm starting to think I may be on drugs. (haha) The girls each needed a new pair of shoes. I had the bright idea to take them to Atwoods and let them pick out boots... They had to try every pair on the shelf. As if that wasn't bad enough, Nana Goat didn't like any of them and Ladybug wanted all of them.

Watching Netflix

Have you ever watched tv at all with your friend?

Let me start by telling you that I have no ability to just sit and watch mindless television. At all. Nor do I care for background noise. Life itself has too many sounds, from kids talking as loud as possible to neighbors yelling about who gives a crap... It doesn't concern me. Plus, I have the lovely sound of a spoon scraping or maybe tinking in the bottom of a cereal bowl, first darn thing in the morning.

Trust me... The list of noises that bug me can go on forever. I love the quiet and could be happy for the rest of  my life if I could mute out the rest of the world.

They spend millions on medical studies to tell us we don't get enough rest. I wonder why people? It is noise! Just typing every keystroke makes a sound. My best friend is standing maybe 10 feet from me using her remote and the damn thing is so loud click click click. (Wii) She has hit the darn buttons a hundred times looking for something to entertain her little girl while she cleans.

If you can't believe me about all the noises, sit with your eyes closed and just listen to everything around you...

Alright, yesterday, I was like okay fine let's watch some television. My friend asks me, "Is there anything you want to see?" Well, no. Not really...  But, then she ran across a show called The Crown and I always loved watching history channel with my son when he was younger.

I was one of those crazy people who got up in the middle of the night to watch Prince William marry Kate Middleton. I have always enjoyed watching everything royal. I even cried when Princess Dianna died... Then funeral procession with her boys walking behind her almost killed me.

I know... But I'm a nut for watching anything about our government as well.

So, we are watching the show and I'm completely into it... But kids make a shit ton of noise! Then at some point, she lost all interest in the show and this is when she starts moving about. I'm so proud of myself because I haven't lost focus yet... Then we come to a part in the show where Elizabeth's father has passed and they want to know what her name will be as queen. This is the moment the house truly lights up with yapping from the kids and my dear friend starts to laugh.

The funny part was when I asked her, "What did she say?"

Well, that set off a calamity of errors with the remote and Netflix or maybe it was the DVD player who knows... She was trying to be sweet and rewind it so I could hear what was said but holy moly! That was something. The darn thing froze up so she had to turn it off and start it again. Round two... When that didn't work she found new batteries. Then set down next to me on the couch and tried again only to shut it off like two more times.

At this point, I'm laughing and I tell her to go stand right next to the darn machine because I'm sure I will never get to see the end of this one show before I have to leave and go get the kids from school. Taking pity on me she gets up and gets it going and I got to finish right before the kids got out for the day.

Dear god, we all get back to her house after school and she tells me to go ahead and watch my show... That was a joke because together we have 6 kids and they sound like 100 when they are just coloring. Holy hell, I was just going crazy trying to hear the darn television. I turned it up they got louder and telling them to turn down their voices somehow only meant get louder.

Kids have some kind of make mom crazy radar I'm totally convinced of this now after one day and a few episodes.

Then my darling friend decided that she is going to move her art supplies during this time and I really just want to throw my hands up and give up but I hang in there and just think to myself, I love all these goobers.

My hat goes off to all you moms and dads who can sit and just watch television. I know I can't! And I'm in no big hurry to repeat that nightmare again today... My poor mind needs to recover from all the over-stimulation. I'm so glad I don't just let my kids sit and veg out in front of a television it's hard on your mind.

To each their own, though. I have known parents that put a kid down in front of a television and then become so proud when the little sucker learns how to change the channel. Who knows? I want to be proud that mine just finished a really hard book instead.

The one thing I did learn yesterday is that I really do like the show. Also, when I watch any more of it I will do it alone with my laptop and earbuds. That way nobody is talking or laughing or moving around or coloring to loudly.

Nothing is ever boring with my friend we can't even just watch television like normal people, we make it a mess as well. At least it's not as bad as driving down the road with her yelling hello at anyone we pass and hiding in her seat so they think I said hi. She keeps things fun that's for sure. We laugh so much and so hard at times I'm sure one of us will eventually pee our pants while laughing.

All I'm saying... Please, let it be her and not me. Crap, we may have to get some Depends for those days we go out in public.

Till then having fun.

Wet Hair

Momma you know I can't take a shower?

While washing dishes I hollered for ladybug to go grab her shower. That's when she pops her cute face around the corner. Telling me she can't do that because she hates getting her pillow wet...

Competition

Why do we feel the need to win?

Sabrina and I play cards sometimes... (phase 10) We just try to catch each other with a handful of cards. I tell you what... Playing with her today, she flat got super happy when she caught me with a 150 points worth of cards. Then, on the other side, got so upset when she was caught with 65 points, 4 or 5 times in a row.

Bad Choices

Tired of peoples shit.

Sometimes you get twisted up in others lives and drama. It's life. You can't avoid it, even if you try. Just when you think you're going to stay out of it for the most part. You get slapped right in the face with a fresh turd. Well... When you have something to say about it, they act like children.

Bipolar... Me Maybe?

My best friend told me that it's always the extremes with me.

She is right... Sadly, it doesn't matter what the case is. With me, it's either one extreme or the other. There is no in between...

Please Shoot Me Now!

Why on earth do we chase our tails?

People watch others, laughing for sure when they know they're looking for something. These past four days I have been going up to the local Indian clinic... Looking for someone that worked there... Someone I was repeatedly told to come and talk to if I had a question regarding my health insurance... Well, finally! After four stinking days!... A woman at the counter, tells me that the person I was in search of... Up and quit her job in July of this year. (...)

Thinking

I can't believe I did it...

I just hit that button (publish) on a post I wasn't sure I would ever publish because it's so deeply personal... If you know me then you know I don't share too many of my true feelings or thoughts. Holy Moly! It felt like I just cut my wrist and let you all watch me bleed out...

My own battle

Few things in my life have been easy.

I was never a half-full or a half-empty kinda girl... I was the kinda girl that blended into the background. I never wanted to be noticed by anyone. Not even a teacher... They would always ask a question, wanting you to answer in front of a full classroom. (I was too shy to stand in front of people and talk)

That started to change as my body did. I became very outspoken and no holds barred. I didn't care what others thought. I was never afraid to try anything. Teachers loved it, especially in my writing because it began to develop.

I started being able to give reports to a crowded room of my peers. Who knew I would become so good at it? The teacher told me that I would make a wonderful public speaker someday... I do speak in public, all the time nowadays... Yelling at my kids not to go that far and to stay where I can see them.

I sometimes miss the girl I use to be... She was fun and full of life. Never afraid to take a chance... Crazy things would pop into her head and off she would run with whatever idea it was.

The girl I use to be always made sure to never open the front door without my makeup on. My grandma told me once, A lady is always ready for the day even if she stays in all day. I always loved watching her get ready. So as I would get ready, put my earrings on, I would think about my grandma.

I used to love fixing myself up for the day.

As life moved on... I got married and had me four of the smartest kids in the world. Lord, help me... They don't miss a thing and I do mean not a thing. Kids are so smart... You can't pull anything over on them. Birthday's and Christmas gifts get harder to hide every year!

I love being a mom! There are so many cool things you learn when you pay attention to them. Learn from their point of view. I have been given the gift of staying at home with them for 15 years. To watch them grow and learn. I know, that sounds like a long time but that time goes by so fast... One minute they are babies puking on my last clean shirt and now they are trying to run off and have their own lives.

At some point in my life, I got complacent and comfortable. I flat gave up on myself... That makes me so sad to even say. I look around and see that I have a good bunch of nut jobs around me. I would not trade them for anything. Looking in the mirror, I often ask myself... Why in the world did I do this to myself?

Yes, I did it. Nobody forced it down my throat.

When I say give up on myself... I mean I was full on mommy mode and my backside showed it. (eating just because the kids were) Then my kids grew up and I kept eating. It's not something that happened overnight or with just one or two extra stops in the drive thru line...

Over the years you just don't think about it and life keeps moving. Lord knows I love to stuff my face with cookies and ice cream... Not to mention, any other junk food I happen to be feeding the kids.

I promise you this. I never felt so much shame in my whole life, as I did the night my baby boy graduated from high school... Someone took a picture of me with my son. I saw myself for the first time in years... I cried once I was alone, from just the fact that nobody around me had said, Hey Fat Ass, stop eating!

Who did I turn to when I was sad?... A bag of cookies that's who.

There was only one person in my whole life who would ever call me a Fat Ass and that was my dad. I know he loved me, but he never liked fat people and he was so mean about it. When I lost him it was like losing a part of me... I became the one thing he disliked the most.

Through the years, I tried to lose the weight for my kids and my husband, but it never worked. It was always for the wrong reason... So I would just stop trying and end up gaining more weight in the process. This was a battle I lost every time... I ended up hating myself for it.

After awhile I just stopped trying.

In 2013, I hurt my back and could hardly move around at all. Guess what that did for my butt? Yelp, it got bigger. Who really cared? I hurt too bad to care. It took me some time but I told my doctor I could not keep gaining weight. She always seemed to blow me off, which would only piss me off.

I was gaining about 5 to 8 pounds a month for another year. She looked very confused every time I would ask for help. So... It would still be a full year of eating everything in sight before I decided I was going to take back my body. I got very lucky... At that same time, my doctor retired.

I adopted a new doctor and he is a god sent... I love this guy! He listens to me... Since he became my doctor I have lost so much weight. Let me tell you, it's not easy.

I knew it would be the fight of wills and I hate fighting with myself. Doesn't matter... Had to be done! I started by taking stock in all the food that I put in my mouth. I wrote it all down... Dear god, there was a ton of if. I ate enough in one day to keep 3 people alive.

After the shock of that, I started taking note of each one of those things and asking myself "Do you like, really like this?"

I couldn't believe the answers to my question.

1. Cookies - (no)
2. Popcorn - (no)
3. Gummies - (no)
4. Chips - (no)
5. Ice cream - (not my go to, but don't hate it)

My list goes on forever... How strange? I was putting those things in my mouth daily. I would have never guessed I really didn't care for any of it. The big one and the one thing I thought would crush me to live without... Coke.

I was drinking a full 24 pack of 12oz cans a day... Damn. That was too much... I was killing myself slowly. I decided to put the soda down for good. Though, my body was not liking this thing called water... It let me know all about it every time I drank it. The headaches almost killed me. Never again do I want to go through those again...

If you ever really want to know yourself, gain a boatload of weight. Then wake up one day and say Fuck You, I want my body and life back. That is the fastest way to find out what you're made of... If you can even deal with your own shit, I promise you. There are days you love yourself and those are the best highs, but mostly it's... I hate you! Why did you do this? How can you stand yourself?

Then my daddy's voice comes through and tells me to Suck it up, I made the mess, now I have to put on my boots and clean it up. So I put them on and take charge of my body, my life. Off we go...

I found out how much I hate myself the first time I tried to walk half a mile... It took, my big out of shape ass, 45 mins! Death... Was what I thought was happening to me... My body shook, I couldn't breathe, and I was disgustingly sweaty. Once I sat down I didn't move for about an hour... (I was okay with never moving from that spot ever again)

It was one of the worst things I had ever done... But the next day I did it again.

I kept going. I would not allow my life to be ruled by food ever again. I am about to face yet another challenge... Holiday season. (all the yummies that we bake or that's given to us as gifts)

My weight will always be an uphill battle for me because I never want to slip and fall back into that bag of cookies. I know how easy it would be to stop caring and just say give me the spoon for my tub of ice cream.... That's just not who I want to be or am anymore.

Every day I'm stronger than the last... Till the day I hit my goal and I win.

Holy Crap!!!

This can't just be my pet peeve. 

Any flat surface in my house becomes a drop spot for everyone's crap.

I feel my blood pressure jump 20 points every time I see crap on my kitchen table... Let's talk about my kitchen table, it is 6ft long and flat. That's it. Nothing special, but apparently, it's perfect for holding all the crap nobody wants to put away!

This Time of Year

We all start to get so busy.

After Halloween, we seem to be in warp-speed all the way up to New Years. Thanksgiving isn't my favorite holiday... Turkey is gross. I don't care who has prepared it or where it has come from. Turkey is ALWAYS dry after the first cut.

You can never put enough gravy on that sucker to choke it down. We try to skip that holiday around my house or we get ham from the Honey Bake store... Then we sit around, miserable from overeating, swearing to never do it again. (which is funny because my family over-eats every meal)

What can I say I'm one hell of a cook wink.

Movie Night

Why go out?

I can't think of any good reason to go out to the theater. Man o man, I can find tons of choices other than going to the theater. There are several reasons to stay home and watch movies. Just imagine:

1. We don't have to get dressed
2. Pillows and blankets are everywhere
3. P.j's on
4. Hair in a bun (who is going to care?)
5. Curled up on the couch
6. Popcorn, Candy, and Soda (prices are super cheap at home)

   & let's not forget the refills are FREE (plus, we can pause for bathroom breaks...)

Sales

My favorite thing is a good sale.

Yesterday, my big girl tells me, "Mom, I need bigger pants these ones are too small."

All I could think was Crap! You have only been wearing them for three months... Smiling, I tell her not a big deal and I will grab her a new pair. That meant I got to go drag my hermit of a friend out of her hole and into the world.

Books

Reading is my favorite thing in the world! .........

But, not with a nook or a kindle... Not to say they aren't great! I have both. One was a gift from my sweet son, who loves his mommy. The other, my husband told me to pick out my own gift for Christmas. He said I would know exactly what I wanted... Smart man!

Somedays....

Someday's should come with a warning........ 

If it could go wrong... It did.

Multiply that sucker (everything wrong) by a million. Add the fact that it was Halloween... And you have a mixture for a horrible brew. I'm sure a voodoo witch was jacking with me yesterday. Life always makes me question why I even get out of bed anymore. Most of the problems are small things, but sometimes even those feel like huge things.

Halloween Treats

Store bought treats.............

Schools don't let you make treats to send with your kids anymore! It sucks too! Some of the best things come from mom's kitchen! Well... That is if your mom can cook or bake.

My Bed Time...

Dear God why?

Please, let me tell you about sleeping with Jane... Yes, this is very true shit. She is my friend, she is staying with me for a bit. She's not hard to live with, for the most part... That is until bedtime.

Adult Halloween Costumes

Some people need full-length mirrors....... 

People want the truth... Until, it's about them. That's the moment you become a rude person.

School Supplies

What the heck......
Every year the school asks for a list of things they need or want for the classroom to make the year go smoother. Which is great, we all know these things are coming and we'll need to get them. The things they should add to this list, because most normal people don't have them... Are tie dye shirts and crazy socks.

Cable Companies

Good heavens.......

My bill keeps going up, but they never give me anything new! They never say, here for your rapidly increasing debt... Have a channel or two. I don't ever get anything more from them.