I was never a half-full or a half-empty kinda girl... I was the kinda girl that blended into the background. I never wanted to be noticed by anyone. Not even a teacher... They would always ask a question, wanting you to answer in front of a full classroom. (I was too shy to stand in front of people and talk)
That started to change as my body did. I became very outspoken and no holds barred. I didn't care what others thought. I was never afraid to try anything. Teachers loved it, especially in my writing because it began to develop.
I started being able to give reports to a crowded room of my peers. Who knew I would become so good at it? The teacher told me that I would make a wonderful public speaker someday... I do speak in public, all the time nowadays... Yelling at my kids not to go that far and to stay where I can see them.
I sometimes miss the girl I use to be... She was fun and full of life. Never afraid to take a chance... Crazy things would pop into her head and off she would run with whatever idea it was.
The girl I use to be always made sure to never open the front door without my makeup on. My grandma told me once, A lady is always ready for the day even if she stays in all day. I always loved watching her get ready. So as I would get ready, put my earrings on, I would think about my grandma.
I used to love fixing myself up for the day.
I love being a mom! There are so many cool things you learn when you pay attention to them. Learn from their point of view. I have been given the gift of staying at home with them for 15 years. To watch them grow and learn. I know, that sounds like a long time but that time goes by so fast... One minute they are babies puking on my last clean shirt and now they are trying to run off and have their own lives.
At some point in my life, I got complacent and comfortable. I flat gave up on myself... That makes me so sad to even say. I look around and see that I have a good bunch of nut jobs around me. I would not trade them for anything. Looking in the mirror, I often ask myself... Why in the world did I do this to myself?Yes, I did it. Nobody forced it down my throat.
When I say give up on myself... I mean I was full on mommy mode and my backside showed it. (eating just because the kids were) Then my kids grew up and I kept eating. It's not something that happened overnight or with just one or two extra stops in the drive thru line...
I promise you this. I never felt so much shame in my whole life, as I did the night my baby boy graduated from high school... Someone took a picture of me with my son. I saw myself for the first time in years... I cried once I was alone, from just the fact that nobody around me had said, Hey Fat Ass, stop eating!
Who did I turn to when I was sad?... A bag of cookies that's who.
There was only one person in my whole life who would ever call me a Fat Ass and that was my dad. I know he loved me, but he never liked fat people and he was so mean about it. When I lost him it was like losing a part of me... I became the one thing he disliked the most.
Through the years, I tried to lose the weight for my kids and my husband, but it never worked. It was always for the wrong reason... So I would just stop trying and end up gaining more weight in the process. This was a battle I lost every time... I ended up hating myself for it.
After awhile I just stopped trying.
In 2013, I hurt my back and could hardly move around at all. Guess what that did for my butt? Yelp, it got bigger. Who really cared? I hurt too bad to care. It took me some time but I told my doctor I could not keep gaining weight. She always seemed to blow me off, which would only piss me off.
I was gaining about 5 to 8 pounds a month for another year. She looked very confused every time I would ask for help. So... It would still be a full year of eating everything in sight before I decided I was going to take back my body. I got very lucky... At that same time, my doctor retired.
I adopted a new doctor and he is a god sent... I love this guy! He listens to me... Since he became my doctor I have lost so much weight. Let me tell you, it's not easy.
I knew it would be the fight of wills and I hate fighting with myself. Doesn't matter... Had to be done! I started by taking stock in all the food that I put in my mouth. I wrote it all down... Dear god, there was a ton of if. I ate enough in one day to keep 3 people alive.After the shock of that, I started taking note of each one of those things and asking myself "Do you like, really like this?"
I couldn't believe the answers to my question.
- Cookies - (no)
- Popcorn - (no)
- Gummies - (no)
- Chips - (no)
- Ice cream - (not my go to, but don't hate it)
My list goes on forever... How strange? I was putting those things in my mouth daily. I would have never guessed I really didn't care for any of it. The big one and the one thing I thought would crush me to live without... Coke.
I was drinking a full 24 pack of 12oz cans a day... Damn. That was too much... I was killing myself slowly. I decided to put the soda down for good. Though, my body was not liking this thing called water... It let me know all about it every time I drank it. The headaches almost killed me. Never again do I want to go through those again...
If you ever really want to know yourself, gain a boatload of weight. Then wake up one day and say Fuck You, I want my body and life back. That is the fastest way to find out what you're made of... If you can even deal with your own shit, I promise you. There are days you love yourself and those are the best highs, but mostly it's... I hate you! Why did you do this? How can you stand yourself?
Then my daddy's voice comes through and tells me to Suck it up, I made the mess, now I have to put on my boots and clean it up. So I put them on and take charge of my body, my life. Off we go...
I found out how much I hate myself the first time I tried to walk half a mile... It took, my big out of shape ass, 45 mins! Death... Was what I thought was happening to me... My body shook, I couldn't breathe, and I was disgustingly sweaty. Once I sat down I didn't move for about an hour... (I was okay with never moving from that spot ever again)
It was one of the worst things I had ever done... But the next day I did it again.
I kept going. I would not allow my life to be ruled by food ever again. I am about to face yet another challenge... Holiday season. (all the yummies that we bake or that's given to us as gifts)
My weight will always be an uphill battle for me because I never want to slip and fall back into that bag of cookies. I know how easy it would be to stop caring and just say give me the spoon for my tub of ice cream.... That's just not who I want to be or am anymore.
Every day I'm stronger than the last... Till the day I hit my goal and I win.
